Run, Fatgirl, Run!

June 16, 2009

Black Heart Inertia

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — iMiggles @ 23:26

pearls

Last week I asked myself quite simply: “what do you want?”

From there I started answering what I wanted.  And once I started asking and responding, I asked for each thing I wanted… “how do I go about getting it?”  It’s a constant reminder to remember me.  I forget me quite often.  Even if I’m moving, doing things being little miss feisty and independent I still forget me.  It’s a gift and a curse to be so concerned for others.  But someone very close to me verbally smacked me in the face last week with “well I’m gonna live my life regardless.”  It’s not that I haven’t been living mine… but I tend to pour myself into friendships and the like only for people to end up leeching and not reciprocating.

But it’s that kinda rejection… that kinda slap in the face that makes me feel human.  I used to be afraid to fail.  Not realizing that it’s in the failing and not the succeeding that you learn.  It put me back actually a few years.  Because I was so used to excelling that the mere thought I might fail at something scared me and so rather than getting to that point, I would quit or not even try.  It was a vicious cycle like this for about five or so years.  In and after high school.

Last week, in all this epiphany I was experiencing, I applied for an online music writer with prefix.  The guy who responded came back to me “we loved reading your answers, but we are looking for someone more experienced.  I’m not gonna lie… it kinda made my heart drop a little bit.  But real talk… had this been just a few months ago I might have taken it as such a blow.  I would’ve looked at it as if I didn’t do enough or something was wrong with me or whatever the case.  It’s just because my mind even though it’s a beautiful force to behold can be my worst enemy sometimes.  Except I finally had a light bulb at the beginning of this year and looked and how often I have been rejected so many times by so many things just within this past year… it’s come as second nature.

And with that awareness, I now look at it as… that’s not the path I’m meant to travel down; very simple and nothing more.  And perhaps it’s a protection for me.  And not to mention… it’s their loss.  Rejection is human.  It’s humility.  Because if we didn’t feel moments of rejection, we would never fully appreciate or recognize success or small victories.

I’m no longer allowing myself the time to resist change or rejection.  It’s crushing when, for example, you vibe a person and although they may give off certain energy, their actions dictate they’re not even thinking about you or as the book says are just not that into you.  But what is the point of dwelling on why it happened?  Especially when shit really happens.  And to everyone.  And what if while I’m dwelling on what didn’t happen makes me miss out on the things that are happening or the doors that are open for me.  And rather than close the door OR make excuses and cling to what might be or what might have been… instead of all the conjecture and analysing why or why not I just accept it.  I’m a believer in stepping out on faith.  Too often I don’t do it because I don’t always trust myself but I do believe if it’s really meant for me to cross that path, it’ll come back and I’ll be around for it and maybe better prepared for it.  And maybe rejection is a way of giving you an opportunity to ready yourself for when the amazing happens.  And if you weren’t rejected you wouldn’t be able to look at yourself, access yourself and figure out how you can improve yourself for the next go around.  Cuz there’s always a next go-round when something is meant for you just not in the time you want it to be.

I’ve also realized that the more that I just trust in it… in God, in faith and the more I let go of my thoughts… the more things happen.  Things that my brain could never have comprehended even in a billion years.  The beauty in letting go and allowing the wave to take me wherever I’m supposed to go instead of resisting is that the journey is so much more fulfilling, surprising, intriguing and creative… colorful.  And well I see in color, dream in color and express in light… why would I resist that?

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