I’ve had a serious case of blogger’s block. Everytime I go to pen something the inspiration usually leaves as fast as it comes. Fickle. I love though that when I strike that cord it comes from anywhere and most usually from a song lyric. Tonight for some reason I am just so inspired by Looking In so poignantly written by Mariah Carey back when she wasn’t vying for relevance.
I started going through a sort of renaissance. An awakening to my mind, body and spirit some time last year and it really kicked into high gear at the beginning of this year. One way to learn a lot about yourself is by looking at those with whom you surround yourself. I am pretty sure that people are sent in and out of your life for a specific reason and with each period is a lesson to better yourself. Knowingly or unknowingly I was headed down a path in my life that just did not really sit well or feel comfortable with me. I don’t enjoy the idea of having to settle for less of yourself just to get what you want. I was blessed to have at least a strong base to understand who I am and where I came from. And I think this awakening of my spirit is just pushing me to where I belong. But I allowed myself to be thrust in the moment of situations with people I surrounded myself with all the while knowing that these situations and I never fit.
And while the energy fit and I feel a sense of belonging in a certain place there were factors to get to that place which took me off the essence of me and why I was there and am there. I got an opportunity though to look at the situation after things unfolded naturally and ask myself what did you learn? And one thing I have learned is that we all have this inner voice, the sense that brings us to someone or something or that pulls us away. Some of us hear it a little louder than others. I heard it… I knew where I was being lead but allowed people I surrounded myself with to take me off fully listening. Just because that voice leads you somewhere does not mean it is meant right then, right there and I was always observant enough to respect that and let it take its course.
If it’s meant, it will be no matter where or what time or what place. Having been able to step back from it I know it more and appreciate the value of that now. And in that stepping back and figuring out why it was I couldn’t put my finger on why I was so unhappy in a place I should be I started to self-assess. What or who impacted my environment and why? What did I contribute to cause the disconnect I was feeling? What did I learn? I learned that no matter where I am I have to portray my truest essence in spite of anything standing in my way. I learned that sometimes it is okay to put your own safety mask on first as the plane hits turbulence. And I learned that even when letting it go is scary it is okay to just let it go and let it be and appreciate what was, accept what is and embrace what may. I learned that when you feel, know and hear the warning signs saying this is not you to listen and appreciate those protections.
No matter how old or young we are, people do have a way of influencing our actions in a particular situation. I was at a place where I did not have the courage to stand up for myself with myself so I didn’t see the infiltration of others when it crept through. I see it now and this is why I’ve chosen to take a step back and focus on the most important element of my life: me. That whenever I vibe that place, whenever that voice calls me to it and tells me where to go, instead of focusing on how to attain it while it isn’t with me I channel that focus into myself to better myself so that I am one step stronger and just ready for when I finally get there. A few months ago I didn’t have the courage to step away from the norms and hear that voice fully. Today I think I got it.
The problem is that I’m not sure how to bend on my soul. I’m not sure I ever could. Meaning the situations or rather the people in the situations I was surrounding myself in didn’t fit. And I am tired of trying to fit something that isn’t going. And why do I have to compromise that just to get to what I want? Or settle for mediocrity? Or conform, bend and stretch myself so far that I can’t shape back to the original me? No matter how many times I have tried I feel like an outsider around certain situations. I don’t fit with how some people go about their actions. I’m not even sure I want to fit. If being somewhere, doing something you enjoy, care about, feel positive energy towards equates selling your soul or forgetting your truest foundation, is it worth it? Or does one have enough courage to say this is what I love and rather than allow you to rip it from me I’ll go it alone and own it alone?
I’m at the place in between. The fiercely independent voice that says being alone right now is worth the sacrifice versus that nurtured side that enjoys being around those with whom you share something in common. Or do I really share anything in common? It is lonely out here on this ledge but I don’t think I can continue to surround myself with people who don’t even give a shit about their own souls so why would they mine. I’ve never been one to go along just to get along. I don’t know if I’m just holding my nose in the air or if this is one of those situations. But I find myself on the outside looking in. And through the looking glass it makes me feel left out especially with things to come. But at least outside of the glass my air is not contained and I always have the choice to go in.
Run, Fatgirl, Run! 
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