Insomnia Owns Me

I should be asleep but I have issues with that sort of thing… and then I gotta reap it in the morning.  Today I decided instead of trying to count backwards or sheep or aliens… I’m going to write until the fatigue finally sets in.

So here I am in my kitchen with a nice hot mug of green tea and honey and a laptop click clacking.  I guess part of the reason I can’t sleep is because I’ve hit a new phase in my life.  I’ve slowly but steadily been headed towards this new phase.  A new project with heading towards becoming a better me.  And the more I think about it the more things seem to come in full circle.  It’s not so much a new phase as it is just a resurgence of a place I’ve been before… revised.

It’s called the fuck you phase of my life.  Project FU.  It’s the phase where a light bulb clicks and suddenly everything I used to tolerate from myself or others is  no longer acceptable.  Why?  Because if for nothing else I bust my ass to extend myself.  Especially when it comes to friendships.  And when I can’t even get a balance in return… it’s not enough.  I no longer care whether or not a person is emotionally available or if I’m patient enough to help them through their problems.

I have my own problems that I need to start helping myself through.  And it’s not that I’ve just suddenly become self-absorbed.  It’s just that I’m not a doormat.  I’m slowly coming to the realization of ‘before you help someone else you gotta help yourself.’  Because I am quintessentially that asshole who will try to get someone else’s oxygen mask on and foresake my own need to breathe.  I’m Jack.  Instead of configuring how we both could sit on the door my ass is stuck out in the cold literally extending my life boat to someone else.

Fuck that.  I mean that will always be who I am but I’m tired of worrying about anyone else right now.  Whose to say Rose deserved to live?  Why is it okay for the Jacks of the world to offer but not the Roses of the world?  So this is my big fat fuck you to a lot of weight lately that I am so literally letting go and making myself lighter every moment.  I know a woman dropping f bombs is not very ladylike.  In fact, I am quite a lady actually but at this moment I just need to be completely free of judgment, my own and anyone else’s and just say exactly what I’m thinking… but because I feel as though I have a certain standard for myself… I’m gonna change fuck to… “to hell with“.  26 years of to hell with things for the 26 years of my life thus far…

1. To hell with hiding in my own shadow and allowing my own mind to talk myself outta shit that I know I can accomplish.
2. To hell with my fear and anxiety getting the best of me.
3. To hell with my ADD cuz damn it one day I intend to actually finish shit I start.
4. To hell with my procrastination.  And to hell with excuses.  Mine or others’.
5. To hell with me not having the courage to fail in my quest of being so hell bent on succeeding.
6. To hell with all the years I spent trying to be right when not being right is where the learning is.
7. To hell with me getting up everyday to a job I know is less than the potential I have.
8. Fuck debt.  Sorry I can’t change that.  Fuck debt.
9. To hell with all the years I wasted on people who were not emotionally available for me the way I’ve been for them.
10. To hell with you for dragging me through bullshit and acting like I’m the one with the problem.  And me for actually having the patience/tolerance and naivete to deal with it.
11. To hell with anyone who ever took one of my thoughts and used it as their own to gain the attention of someone just because that PARTICULAR person happens to enjoy whatever they feels is the essence of me.
12. To hell with all the people who have used me and bent my ear only to not reciprocate that shit when I truly could have benefited from a friend.
13. And to hell with me feeling like I have to dependent on anyone but not being strong enough to admit I need people more.
14. Fuck drama.
15. Fuck drama.
16. And did I mention… fuck drama?  Just couldn’t find the need for that to be replaced either it seems.
17. To hell with talking myself outta things, second guessing myself or my intuition and overanalyzing situations and perceptions.
18. To hell with walking the fine line and living inside a cushy box.
19. To hell with rules and coloring inside lines.
20. To hell with regret.
21. To hell with frowning, being angry, upset or resentful of people… except the ones who gave me their ass to kiss and in that case to hell with them… they know who they are and if they don’t to hell with that.
22. To hell with naysayers and the ones who smiles in your face, dog you behind your back until you have a moment of shininess and they’re up your ass.
23. To hell with insomnia… well I take that back.  To hell with 9 to 5s when I’m a make your own schedule person.
24. To hell with Paris Hilton.  Who really allows her to exist?
25. And finally to hell with my lactose intolerance cuz I should be able to have ice cream when I damn well feel like it!