Run, Fatgirl, Run!

August 18, 2009

Phase Two

Filed under: Uncategorized — iMiggles @ 13:02

Yesterday I started a 1400 calories meal plan.  Why?  Because in spite of weight loss and body fat success, I have an underactive thyroid which causes my metabolism to be slower than the average female my age.  Which means that there’s but so much working out, eating right and anything else I can do before I reach plateaus.  And I’ve reached one.  So in order for me to burn and gain more muscle, I have officially been locked into watching what I eat.  The very thing I told my fat self that I would never do to my whole self.  I’ve gone to the dark side and now count calories.  Boo.

Additionally, I have to keep a food diary of everything I eat because we need to know what’s doing what to my body.  It’s all very sensitive.  If I weren’t so cute, I would probably be bubble girl.  So what I’ve decided to do to step it up a bit is in the spirit of cleaning everything else, I may as well do a full body detox.  For that, I’ve employed Colonix and Toxinout by Dr. Natura.  It is a full body detox that comes highly recommended above most.

I did my research for a month and a half before deciding which was best for me and I narrowed it down to Colonix.  You’re not only cleaning your colon and other internal organs and blood, you also purge your body of daily pollutants while restoring all the good bacteria that helps fight off disease and build immunity.  I sound like an informercial.  What really sold me was the many books, magazines and websites I read that recommend this as well as the testimonials.

This is something optimally you should commit yourself to for 3 months, another reason I chose this.  Because the body takes years to accumulate and store waste.  Even when we think our systems are doing their jobs… sometimes not enough.  And so today, I started my first day of this detox.  So far I have this weird head throbby achy thing going but I read that is expected as your body has to literally work through itself to get you to maximum capacity.  In other words, the first couple of days I may just be the crankiest broad ever.  So far I kinda feel like I’m letting the sunshine in, floating on a cloud with a little pressure in my head.  I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s how my head feels.

I had to dedicate this time though and put the work in because it’s time to start the next chapter in my life.  The one where I figure out what exactly the hell an soon to be reformer fat girl does with herself now that being a fatty is not an option.  And before I can even continue to delve into that, I really need to focus on me.  Which is weird because I’m so good at focusing on others and helping others and I forget to take that time for myself.  So here’s to new beginnings.  Or phasing into the next chapter really.  And here’s to the work in the middle and the progress from it.

Will be a very colorful journey.

August 16, 2009

I’m a Procrastinator… Get me outta here

Filed under: Uncategorized — iMiggles @ 17:11

I’ve been saying over and over I need to blog, I need to keep a record of ALL the progress (bad and good) that I’ve been going through on my journey to wellness.  And do I do it?  No.  Not always because I don’t have the time but usually because I get bit by blogger’s block and writing actually requires thought and sometimes after all the shit I’m workin with… I’m just a fat lazy girl.

If life were the way I wanted it to be, it’d look a LOT like this for me:

katyperry

All day, everyday.  But I found out that while I’m so resistant to NOT being a fat ass everything else is saying I have to give that idea up.  For good.

And so I’m not putting it off today because I’m starting an end of summer series and picking things up even more.  And in order to see where I’ve started and where I’m at by the end of it, I need to do some time of record.  Which means I have to force my ADD ass to be consistent with SOMETHING.

Since I last ventured, I’ve developed some sort of imbalance with the gait in my foot.  Which means basically that my little fat, barely have an arch hobbit feet turn inward when I stand or walk.  Not pigeon toed but the inner part of my foot plants on the ground more than the outer part which completely jacks all the alignment up from my ankles to my hips.  So part one of taking away from me being a natural fatty is I have to get rid of flip flops.  They do nothing for support and actually make feet worse apparently.  Technically heels are bad for women too but I’ve been wearing those more FORCING me to be grown and sexy.  Torture.

The reason I started getting more into myself as I’ve alluded is because I didn’t like the way I was so involved in others.  Helping others, being caught up in other people’s affairs and never taking time to actually focus on myself.  But no matter how much you go to help someone, you can’t be anything to them if you’re shit to yourself.

So starting tomorrow, I will be recording my progress with various things I try in my continued pursuit of cleansing my mind, body, spirit.  I’ve met with a dietitician because my doctor forced me to have to figure out a hypoglycemic friendly eating plan so I’m not passing out everywhere.  And I’ve got other things in store that I need to record exactly what I’m going through to kick things into high gear this last half of summer before fall.  This month or so should be REALLY interesting from the perspective of a soon to be somewhat reformed fatty.

July 23, 2009

How to Lose Yourself in 10 Days

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — iMiggles @ 00:04

I’ve had a serious case of blogger’s block. Everytime I go to pen something the inspiration usually leaves as fast as it comes. Fickle. I love though that when I strike that cord it comes from anywhere and most usually from a song lyric. Tonight for some reason I am just so inspired by Looking In so poignantly written by Mariah Carey back when she wasn’t vying for relevance.

I started going through a sort of renaissance. An awakening to my mind, body and spirit some time last year and it really kicked into high gear at the beginning of this year. One way to learn a lot about yourself is by looking at those with whom you surround yourself. I am pretty sure that people are sent in and out of your life for a specific reason and with each period is a lesson to better yourself. Knowingly or unknowingly I was headed down a path in my life that just did not really sit well or feel comfortable with me. I don’t enjoy the idea of having to settle for less of yourself just to get what you want. I was blessed to have at least a strong base to understand who I am and where I came from. And I think this awakening of my spirit is just pushing me to where I belong. But I allowed myself to be thrust in the moment of situations with people I surrounded myself with all the while knowing that these situations and I never fit.

And while the energy fit and I feel a sense of belonging in a certain place there were factors to get to that place which took me off the essence of me and why I was there and am there. I got an opportunity though to look at the situation after things unfolded naturally and ask myself what did you learn? And one thing I have learned is that we all have this inner voice, the sense that brings us to someone or something or that pulls us away. Some of us hear it a little louder than others. I heard it… I knew where I was being lead but allowed people I surrounded myself with to take me off fully listening. Just because that voice leads you somewhere does not mean it is meant right then, right there and I was always observant enough to respect that and let it take its course.

If it’s meant, it will be no matter where or what time or what place. Having been able to step back from it I know it more and appreciate the value of that now. And in that stepping back and figuring out why it was I couldn’t put my finger on why I was so unhappy in a place I should be I started to self-assess. What or who impacted my environment and why? What did I contribute to cause the disconnect I was feeling? What did I learn? I learned that no matter where I am I have to portray my truest essence in spite of anything standing in my way. I learned that sometimes it is okay to put your own safety mask on first as the plane hits turbulence. And I learned that even when letting it go is scary it is okay to just let it go and let it be and appreciate what was, accept what is and embrace what may. I learned that when you feel, know and hear the warning signs saying this is not you to listen and appreciate those protections.

No matter how old or young we are, people do have a way of influencing our actions in a particular situation. I was at a place where I did not have the courage to stand up for myself with myself so I didn’t see the infiltration of others when it crept through. I see it now and this is why I’ve chosen to take a step back and focus on the most important element of my life: me. That whenever I vibe that place, whenever that voice calls me to it and tells me where to go, instead of focusing on how to attain it while it isn’t with me I channel that focus into myself to better myself so that I am one step stronger and just ready for when I finally get there. A few months ago I didn’t have the courage to step away from the norms and hear that voice fully. Today I think I got it.

The problem is that I’m not sure how to bend on my soul. I’m not sure I ever could. Meaning the situations or rather the people in the situations I was surrounding myself in didn’t fit. And I am tired of trying to fit something that isn’t going. And why do I have to compromise that just to get to what I want? Or settle for mediocrity? Or conform, bend and stretch myself so far that I can’t shape back to the original me? No matter how many times I have tried I feel like an outsider around certain situations. I don’t fit with how some people go about their actions. I’m not even sure I want to fit. If being somewhere, doing something you enjoy, care about, feel positive energy towards equates selling your soul or forgetting your truest foundation, is it worth it? Or does one have enough courage to say this is what I love and rather than allow you to rip it from me I’ll go it alone and own it alone?

I’m at the place in between. The fiercely independent voice that says being alone right now is worth the sacrifice versus that nurtured side that enjoys being around those with whom you share something in common. Or do I really share anything in common? It is lonely out here on this ledge but I don’t think I can continue to surround myself with people who don’t even give a shit about their own souls so why would they mine. I’ve never been one to go along just to get along. I don’t know if I’m just holding my nose in the air or if this is one of those situations. But I find myself on the outside looking in. And through the looking glass it makes me feel left out especially with things to come. But at least outside of the glass my air is not contained and I always have the choice to go in.

June 23, 2009

A Recession Math Lesson

Filed under: pet peeves — Tags: , — iMiggles @ 00:42

Artists (whether writing, drawing, painting, singing, dancing… whatever the art is) tend to draw their inspiration from their surroundings.  I’m not sure I would call myself an artist or even a writer for that matter BUT… I’m drawing my writing inspiration today from some recent (and startling) news from one of my favorite music groups.

So it’s the middle of 2009 and we’re technically still in a recession.  My 15 year old brother asked me earlier today what that meant.  A recession (as told by Wiki) is a general slowdown in economic activity over a sustained period of time.  Basically what that means as we all know by now the economy is up shit’s creek.

But say by some magic change of fate you had an extra $500 or so dollars in your savings account or bonus, a stimulus check… something.  What would one do with that in a recession?

Well we can start by covering the basics:

  • Home utilities generally include electricity, heating, water and nowadays with the switch over to HD cable (this of course not including internet, phone and if you rent)… on an average a 3 bedroom, two bathroom in Pittsburgh goes for somewhere between $300 and $600 per month on just utilities (of course this is general and not including the size of the home, energy efficiency, home owner’s fees or personal habits).  That means if you used that $500 to pay utilities, it’d pretty much be gone in a month
  • If you don’t own and you rent, $500 is generally between a quarter and 2/3 of a monthly rent payment for an apartment in Florida
  • What about transportation?  Well a person with decent credit, a clean driving record and over the age of 25 who finances an 07 Honda Accord today can generally get car insurance somewhere between $1500 and $1600 in the DC area for 6 months which roughly comes to some between $250 and $270 per month.  This is not including my monthly car note of course.  But if my home utilities and car note are taken care of, I can cover about two months on car insurance with my extra $500.  I could also put that money away in case I need any repairs or maintenance.
  • In order for me to get around in my car, I have to pay for gas.  If gas in the NY area stays the way it is today, I’d generally be paying something between $2.75 and $2.90 per gallon monthly.  If all of the above were already covered and I just used that $500 dollars to secure fuel, I would be able to have something like 172 and 181 gallons of fuel covered outside of my other daily expenses.
  • I have to eat.  I dunno about anyone else.  But I gotta eat.  Today I spent about $45 on around 20 items at the supermarket.  Let’s say generally speaking groceries stayed around that price range for that many items.  That means with $500 I can roughly go grocery shopping for that many items about 11 times.
  • I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve bought a new wardrobe.  But I have a couple weddings I’m invited to and on average a nice dress goes for something like $100.  Now, I could get 5 or so dresses or I could get one dress, accessorize the outfit and spend the remaining money on a present for the wedding party.

Now all of these things could feasibly be covered with primary means of funding like a job.  Which is a bonus cuz what else could I possibly use $500 for?

  • My brother’s in house tuition is about $4000 per semester.  If he takes that extra 500 towards his tuition he’s one-eighth of the way covered for just a semester.
  • Speaking of school… the average cost of a student loan at a 4-year institution today is about $23,000.  That’s ab0ut 6000 per school year, giving you a monthly payment of around… *gasp* $500 and this is NOT including interest.
  • Oh… speaking of interest?  What about those credit cards?  My interest rate shot up to around 17% from 12 just because of the recession.  I now pay a minimum payment of about $120 which means if I spent the 500 on one credit card I would be a happy camper.
  • Environmental agencies are adamantly campaigning to fight against the slaughter and endangering of gray wolves, whales and other wild life on the west coast.  With a $10 donation, I adopt an orphan wolf.  If I use all 500 on altruistic means I end up being a mama to 50 orphan pups.  And it’s tax deductible.
  • Not into the environment?  That’s cool.  Something has to tickle your fancy.  Cell phones are around$300 just for the phone (not including the activation fee), about an additional $30-$45 for service (depending on the perks you get with it… gotta have my unlimited texts) and like $70 monthly payment (with the bare minimum coverage).  You can also now get some computers for under $500 (not including all the perks of course), cameras, GPS or DVDs on clearance for like 10 and some change (that’s a good 50 DVDs).

Now you could also take this money and invest it.  There are a lot of statistics out there that show how people within the age range of 20-30 do not pay themselves first.  A lot of banks got hit hard by the recession and I think putting your money in stocks is quite a gamble but there’s always a savings account, IRA or CD, etc.  Cuz let’s face it… how many of us are expecting social security by the time we hit 70?  It won’t exist even if they keep robbing it from your checks and giving it to old people in Florida.

There’s always that list that most people have whether written or mental that you know if you had a certain amount of cash you could pay for this thing.  Mine would probably be health insurance considering I have none and it’s one expense I just can’t afford.  I’m not even sure how much that would cost monthly but let’s just say doctor’s visits could be covered with $500.

If all of the basics were covered, all of the bills… what would you use $500 for?  These scenarios all presume this person is single.  What if you had children and/or a spouse?  Would that money go towards their clothes, their healthcare, their investments?

Think about how much you sacrifice, especially during times when we are all clinging to money for dear life.  This is a recession right?  So let’s assume you like millions of Americans are suddenly laid off.  Or your business depends on the patronizing of others who can’t afford to spend because they’re laid off.  How handy would that $500 be right about now?

I could go on and on about what a person can do with $500.  You could completely be impractical with it and blow it.  But I would think all of us have been even remotely affected by the economy and could all think of practical applications for this money.

You could be ahead of bills, treat yourself to a spa day, buy something for someone else, save the world… or you can spend $500 on this:

Platinum VIP Upgrade
This upgrade includes the following:
Watch the Backstreet Boys perform 3 or 4 songs
Q&A
1 Pre-signed photo
1 Individual photo with the Backstreet Boys
Backstage tour
…and more!

YOU WILL NEED TO BUY A TICKET TO ATTEND THE CONCERT. TICKETS ARE NOT INCLUDED IN THIS PACKAGE.

Now… there are several points to be made with this.  The first being if tickets are not even included in this package and I am purchasing a package for myself and someone else, I would spend well over $1100 JUST on tickets and a package.  That’s not even adding taxes for the tickets, shipping for the tickets and back up money just in case I spent all that damn money on a package just to get seated in row 20 or back and have to sell the tickets for closer seats.  I haven’t factored in how I’m getting to the venue, which if it’s local will cost me gas and at $2.75 on a small car tank filled up that’s at least around $30 (and that’s a generous guesstimate).  Nor have I figured in food for the day.  And what if it isn’t local because they’re not playing within 3 hours of my surrounding area?  That now means if I want to go to a show and get to meet musicians I’ve listened to for I dunno a LOT of years… I would have to figure out how far the travel is and then potentially add hotel fees in the mix considering I may not want to drive back home after 11 at night.  All for one concert?

If I took that $500 and used it solely on my love for music of all kinds and live shows, and say tickets were around $45-$65 for all local shows… I could potentially see at least 7 live shows.  Seven live shows from a different artist per show would be beyond worth $500 just because of the experience.  Earlier today I said two things: music should make me feel like I’m with the artist not beneath them and the artist should be willing to give it freely if it’s just about the music.

What happened to it being just about the music?  The second thing I said was: music’s a business.  It shouldn’t be ideally but I think an artist should always remember why they started towards that source of inspiration and who pays for the lifestyle they’re now given as a result.  The more you milk the people who listen to that which you’re projecting to the world… the more they will become deafened to the message.  The purity, the simplicity, the fun, the experience that comes with absorbing all there is to a live performance by one of your favorites… you can’t put a price on it.

But $500… especially in a recession?  I guess I bent over and left my cheek out with a hit me sign cuz that’s such a big slap in the face.  When someone has to spend that much money to share in a more personal experience with any musician something is wrong with the state of music.  Especially if the artist is not in tuned enough with the fans to know that on any level that kind of price for a fucking soundcheck is ridiculously not feasible by the average audience attending the shows.

hey you’re no fucking Elvis…

It comes down to this… at the end of the day we all know if there were any choice and artists made NO profit from the music they make, two things would remain: if they’re really about it for the joy of the art, they would give their shower a performance and someone will be there to listen.  The fact that you get paid for doing something you enjoy should be icing on the cake.  Therefore, asking or allowing a management team or anyone else to charge your fans, the people who glazed that icing on your cushy cake, to come out of pocket and see something that we all know you’d be doing in some way shape or form in your basement for no one just because you enjoy it that much is greedy, disgusting and appalling.

Now people will pay however much to the moon and back to see someone they enjoy.  My point is… if you can’t put a price on creativity, inspiration, artistic endeavor or expression… why should I have to pay for it?

June 18, 2009

Pediculous

Filed under: pet peeves — Tags: , , — iMiggles @ 17:52

Dear Seth MacFarlane,

I thoroughly enjoy Family Guy in ways you can’t even imagine.  Take the episode with Bill Clinton.  When he and Peter become the best of friends and usual Peter Griffin shenanigans ensue.  At one point Bill is at a cankle contest.  Everyone I know laughs at this part.  How funny a bunch of really big cartoon women bouncing around showing off their cankles.

Well… I’m here to inform you that while I may be a fat ass sorta in body and definitely in spirit, I’m not nearly as big as cankles are associated with and I have them.  And here’s another newsflash to break another common misconception… when God has a sense of humor and decides to stunt your growth there’s nothing you can do about it.  No amount of running, squating, pointing or flexing will fix a genetic predisposition to canklage. So someone tell all the fashion gurus out there to stop photographing people’s feet with comments like “ooh she better do something about them cankles.”  Not everyone was blessed with an actual ankle like you… bitch.

I am slowly coming to grips with this reality though it is hard.  All these heffas with ankles can actually walk properly.  Or better yet are not automatically lumped in with the obese.  Guys can have them too and you don’t have to be plus plus sized!  While I’m all about admissions, my wrists also cankle as well and I have no shoulders.  Let’s make a joke about how I’ll never be America’s Next Top Model by throwing every season in my face shall we?  …but I can kick your ass so how’s that for balance?

It’s as if the angel or whatever being that was building me before I was thought of was too preoccupied and knocked over the ankle and wrist button… and the torso and shoulder, forehead and eyebrow button too.  Come to think of it… who’s big idea was this?  If it weren’t for my bright sunny and vain disposition I would be a bit more of the basketcase I already am.  And then God decided to let me continue this way as if to say “she’ll be a great source of my amusement.”  Thank you God.

I bring this up because on top of having no ankle area whatsoever, I am rather flat footed.  If there is an arch in my foot I couldn’t pick it out of a line up.  Try being four and wondering why you’re constantly being yelled at for your pointe in ballet.  Yeah thanks for the traumatic experience crazy French bunhead lady, I can’t change how genetically challenged I seemed to turn out and I hope all your years of pointe gave you calluses… take that!  But yes I am rather flat footed.  With little fat flat hobbit feet minus the ugly hair.  If feet were meant to be attractive that’d be my Achilles’ heel.  My feet did not evolve with time.  I think the same angel grabbed the pro-Magnum box and stuck them on my legs and wondered why there was such a mismatch but because he/she wasn’t paying attention didn’t think to change it.

I’m pretty sure I have the lower body of a caveman.  Not these Wilma Flintstone cute little pixie toes.  Hell no.

Except it definitely looks like Wilma got the cankles… so maybe that got that right.  But feet the way cavewomen really had them.  Fat, flat and compact.  The type of feet and leg action where flip flops are the only shoes that honestly and genuinely fit.  Trying on boots is nothing but a good laugh for God and anklets look at your cankles and think “ha… you’re jokin right?”

But it’s because of this lower body issue that I discovered a new joke from God.  Osteoarthritis.  Something is going on with my knees and ankles and part of it apparently has to do with the fact that there’s no arch in my foot which isn’t aligning my knees properly.  In other words- that whole part above about me being the butt of celestial punchlines.

So now even if I didn’t want to I have no choice but to completely change the way I eat and shed any excess weight that may bother my knee.  Why?  Why is it that morbidly obese people who sound like something outta Friday the 13th can walk around like it’s nothing.  But I am maybe ten additional pounds over where they say my weight should be and I can’t walk?

Maybe I’ve figured it out.  It’s interesting how openly I embrace my inner fatty.  Perhaps I was really built to be a fat person and because the angel got it mixed up and put the fat person on the inside and the not so fat person on the exterior I got issues.  That makes so much sense.  Eureka!

I can cure syphilis now.

June 16, 2009

Black Heart Inertia

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — iMiggles @ 23:26

pearls

Last week I asked myself quite simply: “what do you want?”

From there I started answering what I wanted.  And once I started asking and responding, I asked for each thing I wanted… “how do I go about getting it?”  It’s a constant reminder to remember me.  I forget me quite often.  Even if I’m moving, doing things being little miss feisty and independent I still forget me.  It’s a gift and a curse to be so concerned for others.  But someone very close to me verbally smacked me in the face last week with “well I’m gonna live my life regardless.”  It’s not that I haven’t been living mine… but I tend to pour myself into friendships and the like only for people to end up leeching and not reciprocating.

But it’s that kinda rejection… that kinda slap in the face that makes me feel human.  I used to be afraid to fail.  Not realizing that it’s in the failing and not the succeeding that you learn.  It put me back actually a few years.  Because I was so used to excelling that the mere thought I might fail at something scared me and so rather than getting to that point, I would quit or not even try.  It was a vicious cycle like this for about five or so years.  In and after high school.

Last week, in all this epiphany I was experiencing, I applied for an online music writer with prefix.  The guy who responded came back to me “we loved reading your answers, but we are looking for someone more experienced.  I’m not gonna lie… it kinda made my heart drop a little bit.  But real talk… had this been just a few months ago I might have taken it as such a blow.  I would’ve looked at it as if I didn’t do enough or something was wrong with me or whatever the case.  It’s just because my mind even though it’s a beautiful force to behold can be my worst enemy sometimes.  Except I finally had a light bulb at the beginning of this year and looked and how often I have been rejected so many times by so many things just within this past year… it’s come as second nature.

And with that awareness, I now look at it as… that’s not the path I’m meant to travel down; very simple and nothing more.  And perhaps it’s a protection for me.  And not to mention… it’s their loss.  Rejection is human.  It’s humility.  Because if we didn’t feel moments of rejection, we would never fully appreciate or recognize success or small victories.

I’m no longer allowing myself the time to resist change or rejection.  It’s crushing when, for example, you vibe a person and although they may give off certain energy, their actions dictate they’re not even thinking about you or as the book says are just not that into you.  But what is the point of dwelling on why it happened?  Especially when shit really happens.  And to everyone.  And what if while I’m dwelling on what didn’t happen makes me miss out on the things that are happening or the doors that are open for me.  And rather than close the door OR make excuses and cling to what might be or what might have been… instead of all the conjecture and analysing why or why not I just accept it.  I’m a believer in stepping out on faith.  Too often I don’t do it because I don’t always trust myself but I do believe if it’s really meant for me to cross that path, it’ll come back and I’ll be around for it and maybe better prepared for it.  And maybe rejection is a way of giving you an opportunity to ready yourself for when the amazing happens.  And if you weren’t rejected you wouldn’t be able to look at yourself, access yourself and figure out how you can improve yourself for the next go around.  Cuz there’s always a next go-round when something is meant for you just not in the time you want it to be.

I’ve also realized that the more that I just trust in it… in God, in faith and the more I let go of my thoughts… the more things happen.  Things that my brain could never have comprehended even in a billion years.  The beauty in letting go and allowing the wave to take me wherever I’m supposed to go instead of resisting is that the journey is so much more fulfilling, surprising, intriguing and creative… colorful.  And well I see in color, dream in color and express in light… why would I resist that?

June 11, 2009

Insomnia Owns Me

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — iMiggles @ 01:22

I should be asleep but I have issues with that sort of thing… and then I gotta reap it in the morning.  Today I decided instead of trying to count backwards or sheep or aliens… I’m going to write until the fatigue finally sets in.

So here I am in my kitchen with a nice hot mug of green tea and honey and a laptop click clacking.  I guess part of the reason I can’t sleep is because I’ve hit a new phase in my life.  I’ve slowly but steadily been headed towards this new phase.  A new project with heading towards becoming a better me.  And the more I think about it the more things seem to come in full circle.  It’s not so much a new phase as it is just a resurgence of a place I’ve been before… revised.

It’s called the fuck you phase of my life.  Project FU.  It’s the phase where a light bulb clicks and suddenly everything I used to tolerate from myself or others is  no longer acceptable.  Why?  Because if for nothing else I bust my ass to extend myself.  Especially when it comes to friendships.  And when I can’t even get a balance in return… it’s not enough.  I no longer care whether or not a person is emotionally available or if I’m patient enough to help them through their problems.

I have my own problems that I need to start helping myself through.  And it’s not that I’ve just suddenly become self-absorbed.  It’s just that I’m not a doormat.  I’m slowly coming to the realization of ‘before you help someone else you gotta help yourself.’  Because I am quintessentially that asshole who will try to get someone else’s oxygen mask on and foresake my own need to breathe.  I’m Jack.  Instead of configuring how we both could sit on the door my ass is stuck out in the cold literally extending my life boat to someone else.

Fuck that.  I mean that will always be who I am but I’m tired of worrying about anyone else right now.  Whose to say Rose deserved to live?  Why is it okay for the Jacks of the world to offer but not the Roses of the world?  So this is my big fat fuck you to a lot of weight lately that I am so literally letting go and making myself lighter every moment.  I know a woman dropping f bombs is not very ladylike.  In fact, I am quite a lady actually but at this moment I just need to be completely free of judgment, my own and anyone else’s and just say exactly what I’m thinking… but because I feel as though I have a certain standard for myself… I’m gonna change fuck to… “to hell with“.  26 years of to hell with things for the 26 years of my life thus far…

  1. To hell with hiding in my own shadow and allowing my own mind to talk myself outta shit that I know I can accomplish.
  2. To hell with my fear and anxiety getting the best of me.
  3. To hell with my ADD cuz damn it one day I intend to actually finish shit I start.
  4. To hell with my procrastination.  And to hell with excuses.  Mine or others’.
  5. To hell with me not having the courage to fail in my quest of being so hell bent on succeeding.
  6. To hell with all the years I spent trying to be right when not being right is where the learning is.
  7. To hell with me getting up everyday to a job I know is less than the potential I have.
  8. Fuck debt.  Sorry I can’t change that.  Fuck debt.
  9. To hell with all the years I wasted on people who were not emotionally available for me the way I’ve been for them.
  10. To hell with you for dragging me through bullshit and acting like I’m the one with the problem.  And me for actually having the patience/tolerance and naivete to deal with it.
  11. To hell with anyone who ever took one of my thoughts and used it as their own to gain the attention of someone just because that PARTICULAR person happens to enjoy whatever they feels is the essence of me.
  12. To hell with all the people who have used me and bent my ear only to not reciprocate that shit when I truly could have benefited from a friend.
  13. And to hell with me feeling like I have to dependent on anyone but not being strong enough to admit I need people more.
  14. Fuck drama.
  15. Fuck drama.
  16. And did I mention… fuck drama?  Just couldn’t find the need for that to be replaced either it seems.
  17. To hell with talking myself outta things, second guessing myself or my intuition and overanalyzing situations and perceptions.
  18. To hell with walking the fine line and living inside a cushy box.
  19. To hell with rules and coloring inside lines.
  20. To hell with regret.
  21. To hell with frowning, being angry, upset or resentful of people… except the ones who gave me their ass to kiss and in that case to hell with them… they know who they are and if they don’t to hell with that.
  22. To hell with naysayers and the ones who smiles in your face, dog you behind your back until you have a moment of shininess and they’re up your ass.
  23. To hell with insomnia… well I take that back.  To hell with 9 to 5s when I’m a make your own schedule person.
  24. To hell with Paris Hilton.  Who really allows her to exist?
  25. And finally to hell with my lactose intolerance cuz I should be able to have ice cream when I damn well feel like it!

June 4, 2009

Me and My Docs

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — iMiggles @ 23:46

I pulled this from my myspace today.  I forgot I wrote it even though it was only a month ago.  Time flies when your brain is busy… in any event, having re-read it I thought it was worth blogging a second time.

Maybe I’m supposed to at some point in my life document some facet of my world and share with the masses.

Because since I could remember I’ve always been intrigued by documentaries and independent film.  Maybe it’s in the realness… the grittiness and lack of discretion that is life.  The live in color, in your face rawness about life that people capture on film.

My latest venture was Triage: Dr. James Orbinski’s Humanitarian Dilemma.  I randomed on it as I always seem to… thank you Sundance.  I think maybe I would love to attend a film festival some day to bask in all the creativity that surrounds forums like that.

In any event… here I was journeying along with Dr. Orbinski as he took me through a horrifying but unavoidable tale of his presence in the middle of the bullshit surrounding Somalia and Rwanda just a few years ago.  And there I was as he went back.  Didn’t leave it behind once the killing stopped.  He came back to figure out solutions for the aftermath.  Like what is to be done to suppress the widespread of disease like hiv/aids.  And to top it, he ends the film with music from K’naan.  I don’t think more needs to be said.
And I thought a few thing as I’m watching:

  • in lieu of some recent observations of others… why isn’t Dr. Orbinski a subject of daily focus instead of perhaps someone a bit more superficial?  Why aren’t more people aspiring to know this man?
  • What the hell am I doing in my life?  Where am I making my own difference?
  • How in the hell could we sit and allow over 800,000 people to be slaughtered in less than a week and follow up with doing the same exact thing with Gaza earlier this year?
  • I mean there were about a million of these little questions running through my head and the whole point was… watching these things for me is not only to continue my own sense of humility but responsibility.  My constant sense of connection with not just what goes on in my immediate surroundings but the entire world around me.  How could I possibly want something for myself when there is someone out there a thousand times more deserving and more needing?  I wasn’t raised to just think about myself that way.

    For me watching and reading and relating to others helps me stay connected with the world.  Because what makes me so different from a 26 year woman in Somalia or Yugoslavia or even down the street?  Language?  Culture?  What does that matter when she and I bleed the same?

    In any event, I’ve been wanting to sponsor an orphan and I found a really good non-profit to do so.  Because if anyone deserves anything it’s the orphans.  And watching this doc just made me that much more assured in me having my own baby to support, nurture and champion even if it’s from 10,000,000,000 miles away.

    I hope I get to meet Dr. Orbinski one day and pick his brain.  Because I would love to hear his stories… even if they are gruesome.  As a constant reminder that this is how we treat each other and this is how we overcome it.  And yes I cried like a baby.  Specifically when he went to this mass burial in Rwanda.  And one of the survivors of the slaughter showed him the bodies he had unearthed and covered in lime.  As a reminder.  As a way of ripping the rug from up off the ground.  Seeing that made… I mean what can you say?

    I can just only hope by even me spreading the word that more people come up out of their own little insignificant quirks and even so much as think of someone else.  It is that deep connection which keeps us all moving in a direction for the same thing… love.

    June 2, 2009

    Put on Your Sunday Clothes

    Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — iMiggles @ 23:24

    I’m not ashamed to say I quite proudly heart cartoons.  Being a child of the 80s will do that to you.  But even more in love with cartoons… I quite possibly geek out most to anything done by Pixar.  And this leads to the reason I’m typing… Wall-E.

    There’s a lot of women I know in my age range… early to mid twenties who have been swept in this Twilight craze.  I had heard about the series from my fifteen and eleven year old siblings… go figure.  So when I started seeing a bunch of 20 somethings feen over this series and its characters I had to figure out what all the fuss was about.  So not too long ago I went to the grocery store and used my dollar and change at the RedBox to rent this movie.  But I had also rented Slumdog Millionaire.  maybe this was my downfall.

    I realize books are nothing like movies or stretched out adaptations at best of the book.  I get that.  But… it wasn’t the books they were going to see five times in a weekend.  Now I said it in my last post and I’ll say it again… for me, just solely based on my experience with this movie… Edward Cullen is not an image I aspire to look for in a potential life mate.  Even if I never read a single book… the mere fact that women my age would literally swoon for a “vampire” in high school as if they were 15 again… confuses me.

    But here is the I guess paradox of things…

    As far as love stories go… I was way more inspired to teeter between the balance of hopeless romanticism and my usual cynicism when I watched Wall-E.  A cartoon. 

    The thing I noticed commonly between both films was a certain level/form of devotion.  And I guess it’s not in the mere fact that I just loved this cartoon so much.  Or that I am inspired by love of a cartoon… I think it’s more in the fact that… for me, I could relate to Wall-E’s devotion to EVE because it was simplistic.  And in that simplicity is where I found beauty and why I can sit and watch over and over again adoringly and even hopelessly.  Where I can hold my heart and giggling like a little girl and say aww.  Because from that simplicity built a bond and from that bond, a sense of devotion and eventually love.

    I love vampires but I’d rather the awkward, clumsy attempts to vie for my attention than being so determined to be around me you have to watch me in my sleep or be with me every waking moment.  That… I don’t get why women want men to devote themselves so fiercely in that way.  In its own cartoony-ness, the development of Wall-E and EVE was for me so minutely romantic and picturesque.  Like something from those film noire I used to sit and watch on my daddy’s lap.  Something timeless. 

    I guess what I’m getting at is… in this point of my life I’m not sure whether or not it’s meant for me to get married or whatever.  I look forward to the possibility of crossing paths with someone who could potentially be my soulmate or whatever.  I do know that should I ever come across anything of that sorts… it’s in those awkward little nuances, a cheeky little dance that I look forward to and aspire for.  And if it had to be learned or inspired by a cartoon… well proudly so be it.  If this is the case, I want a Wall-E, fuck Edward Cullen ha.

    If there has to be some part of me that does the whole girly hopeless romantic thing… I think I’d just want love to be simple as the holding of hands… dancing between partners and working towards building something lasting, special, and fulfilling.  And so am I ashamed to say I’ve drawn inspiration from an animated feature?  No.  It’s a symbol for the beauty of simplicity and I love it.  And I hope if I ever dance with someone like this for the rest of my life… it looks a bit like this and less like unannounced visits through my window while I’m sleeping.

    June 1, 2009

    Separated at Birth

    Filed under: sound bite — Tags: , , — iMiggles @ 14:59

    A sound bite is something so good you just wanna sink your teeth into.
    Today’s sound bite comes from Layla Towsey.  She and I kindred spirits because she woke up from a coma singing musicals.  Love. her.

    Love this Baby

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